Giving Up The Act
(During Lent, we have invited members of the Peace of Christ Church Community to share their own reflections, stories, or poetry about what Lent means to them. This Reflection comes from Peace Community Member Malia Hagen.)
I closed the garage door and turned off my car,
hoping the sounds hadn’t alerted anyone to the fact that I was home.
I knew the garage light would stay on only for a few minutes
before I would be alone and enveloped in the darkness.
I craved this moment.
In this moment
I could pretend
that I ceased to exist.
It was my ritual.
I would come home from school, work, or being with friends
and I sat alone in the darkness.
It was somehow healing and I’m no introvert.
But I knew the moment I opened the door to the inside
the light would come and existence would follow.
“How was work?” “Do you want dinner?”
“What’d you do today?” “Do you have homework?”
And I would be expected to do one thing through it all:
Smile.
There’s nothing actually wrong with smiling.
Smiling’s actually my favorite.
But what I wanted was permission
to stop smiling.
without even being aware, I created a space
where I didn’t have to feel anything in particular.
You’re probably wondering what this has to do with Lent.
Did I give up smiling for Lent?
When I asked my M.Div. dad about the liturgical calendar
he said, (I’m paraphrasing)
Our evangelical faith tradition doesn’t bother with that.
Jesus rose from the dead,
so every day gets to be a celebration.
We don’t need the waiting of Advent
or the giving up of Lent.
We get to have it all, all the time.
Always. Smile.
But I didn’t always want to smile.
Sometimes I needed the celebration of Easter,
and sometimes I wanted the sadness of the giving up of Lent, too.
And sometimes I need
to give up something I love
like light and smiling and chocolate.
I just don’t want to have to do it alone anymore.
I want ups and downs WITH.
I want sunrises and sunsets WITH.
I want happiness and sadness WITH.
I want light and dark WITH.
My only option before Lent was to do it alone.
The beauty of Lent for me is
I can finally give up the act,
but I don’t have to do it in isolation.
Other people are right there next to me,
giving up the act, too.
I need Lent, I need the darkness,
and I need to get to experience it with others.
I also need Easter…
but not yet.
For now, I sit in my dark, nonexistence.
Just for another hour or so.
Would you like to join me?
Malia Hagen claims to be gluten-free but has absolutely no ability to say “no” to a freshly baked brownie. You can often find her trying to get a million things done at once at a local coffee shop, but organizing her to-do list instead of crossing things off of it. She loves working as a therapist, eating delicious food made by her husband, and snuggling her three kids early in the morning while enjoying her coffee. She is the owner of “Rewiring Hope Therapy” in downtown Round Rock and host of the soon-to-be-podcast “Coffee with Friends in Outer Space”.